Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

LOL!!!

"Generous" lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

LOL!!

第一眼喜歡上妳!

男孩對女孩說：“第一眼看到妳，我就喜歡上妳了！” 女孩奇怪的問：
“妳第一眼看到我是什麽時候？” 男孩連忙解釋：“就是開學那天啊，
我看妳和家人一起來的學校，妳穿的裙子特漂亮！！”

女孩大怒：“那天我沒穿裙子，穿裙子的那個是我媽！"

LOL!!

The Final Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

LOL!!

Lucky 5

There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth.

LOL!!

挨饿

爸爸给小鱼儿讲小时候经常挨饿的事。
听完後，小鱼儿两眼含泪，十分同情地问：“哦，爸爸，你是因为没饭吃才来我们家的吗？”

LOL！！

肚脐

欣欣对肚脐很好奇，就问爸爸。
爸爸把脐带连著胎儿与母体的道理简单地讲了一下，说：“婴儿离开母体之后，医生把脐带减断，并打了一个结，後来就成了肚脐。”
欣欣：“那医生为什么不打个蝴蝶结？”

LOL!!