Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

LOL!!!

"Generous" lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

LOL!!

第一眼喜歡上妳!

男孩對女孩說：“第一眼看到妳，我就喜歡上妳了！” 女孩奇怪的問：
“妳第一眼看到我是什麽時候？” 男孩連忙解釋：“就是開學那天啊，
我看妳和家人一起來的學校，妳穿的裙子特漂亮！！”

女孩大怒：“那天我沒穿裙子，穿裙子的那個是我媽！"

LOL!!

The Final Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

LOL!!

Lucky 5

There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth.

LOL!!

挨饿

爸爸给小鱼儿讲小时候经常挨饿的事。
听完後，小鱼儿两眼含泪，十分同情地问：“哦，爸爸，你是因为没饭吃才来我们家的吗？”

LOL！！

肚脐

欣欣对肚脐很好奇，就问爸爸。
爸爸把脐带连著胎儿与母体的道理简单地讲了一下，说：“婴儿离开母体之后，医生把脐带减断，并打了一个结，後来就成了肚脐。”
欣欣：“那医生为什么不打个蝴蝶结？”

LOL!!

母恋

公车上，啊华说：“今晚我要和妈妈睡！”
妈妈问道：“你将来娶了媳妇也和妈妈睡阿？”
啊华不假思索：“嗯！”
妈妈又问：“那你媳妇怎么办？”
啊华想了半天，说：“好办，让她跟爸爸睡！”
妈妈：“！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……—”
再看爸爸，已经热泪盈眶啦！

LOL!!

白头发

小明：“爸爸，为什么你有那么多白头发？”
爸爸：“因为你不乖，所以爸爸有好多白头发阿。”
小明：……（疑惑中）
小明：“那为什么爷爷全部都是白头发？”

LOL!!!

女朋友放屁

一对男女朋友坐在公园的长椅上谈恋爱，女突然想放屁。
对男的说：我学部谷鸟叫，你听象不像。
男果然愿听。
于是，女在“布谷布谷”的鸟叫声的掩护下爽快地放了一个响屁。
女：象不像不谷鸟叫？
男：屁声太大，没听清！

LOL!!

打手槍打死了小白？！

有個懷孕的女的走進銀行去提款，剛好她輪到排第一位了，誰知不巧！

銀行被搶了，孕婦也中了三槍... 中槍之後她馬上就被送去急診了

等孕婦好一點之後，她問醫生她的孩子有沒有事。

醫生：恭喜啦，你要生三胞胎了，孩子們都很好，

不過那三顆子彈還在他們體內，

別太擔心，子彈將來會自己透過新陳代謝排出來的

不久，孕婦生了兩個女孩跟一個男孩。

時光飛逝歲月如梭，十二年之後...

其中一個女孩跑去跟媽媽說：媽！剛剛我發生了一件很奇怪的事情！

媽媽就問她怎麼了。

"人家剛剛噓噓的時候噓出了一顆子彈啦！

她媽媽就安慰她，講了當年銀行的往事給她聽

幾個星期之後，另一個女兒又淚眼汪汪的大叫：

媽咪~ 剛才人家發生了一件壞事！

"怎麼，我猜猜看，是不是你上廁所尿出了一顆子彈？"

這個女兒抬頭淚眼看著她媽：嗯，你怎麼知道...

當然她媽又從頭解釋了一遍...

又幾個月以後，

三胞胎裡面那個男孩

急忙跑去跟她媽說： 母啊~ 残了啦！

"嘿嘿，你是不是尿出了一顆子彈啊？"

"不是啦~ 是我剛打手槍，結果打死了小白（狗）..."

LOL!!

神父还沒用过的东西 ！

一個華麗的婦人剛從瑞士回國。她發覺她身旁坐著一位很親切的牧師，

她問：“對不起，神父，可以要求你幫個忙嗎？”

“當然可以，孩子。我可以做什麼？”

“是這樣的，我買了一部先進的除毛器，十分的昂貴。

而且我的行李已經達到最高的稅限，我怕海關人員會充公我這東西。

你可以幫我藏入你的袍裏嗎？”

“當然可以，孩子。可是你必須知道，我無法說謊。”

“你有一副誠實的面貌，神父。我相信他們不會問你任何問題的。”

於是，她把那除毛器遞給那神父。

飛機抵達目的地。當神父來到海關人員面前，

官員問：“神父，你有什麼要申報的嗎？”

“由我的頭到我的腰，我都沒有什麼可以申報，孩子。”神父答。

官員對於神父的回答感到奇怪，所以繼續問：“那腰部以下呢？你有什麼？”

神父回答：“我有一個精巧的小器具，女人專用的，可是卻還沒用過。”

在場的人一陣大笑，官員說：“神父你慢走…。下一位！”

LOL!!

亞當與夏娃

老師上課時問道：「夏娃和亞當平常都說些什麼話啊？」

這時小明正調皮地拿原子筆作弄小英。

小英忍無可忍的大叫：

「你不要一直拿那一根戳人家啦！」

LOL!!!

和病患做愛

深夜的時候，保安發現一個醫生正在診室裡和他的病患幹那回事。

他趕快把這件事告訴了大廈經理。

第二天，大廈經理找來周醫生：“周醫生，一個保安說昨晚你和你的病患在診室裡做愛，你有什麼辯解嗎？”

“這有什麼問題？”

“在這棟大廈裡我們不允許這種行為，這是個很正式的大廈。”大廈經理說。
Fh^'w4mz

但周醫生不為所動：“我與我的病患做愛違反什麼法律了嗎？”

“我覺得你不但違反了法律，而且更是不道德的。”經理拍了拍醫生的肩膀，“覺悟吧！

你可是個獸醫。

YER!!!! LOL!!!

In hell

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: It's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

LOL!!! PAIN ASS!! xD

卫生纸的替代品

店老板在教新来的小伙计做生意的诀窍。
“要知道，不能只因店中没有客人所需要的商品，就白白让客人空手回去。所谓了不起的商人就是，必定以什么替代品卖给客人。”
一天，小伙计在看店的时候，来了一个客人。
“我要买卫生纸。”
“很抱歉，不巧刚卖完了。”
这时他想起老板告诉他的话。
“先生，卫生纸是刚卖完了……但，上等的砂纸要不要？”

LOL!!

老土

一姑娘征婚，写道：本人80后，貌美，身高165，处女……我感动的差点流涕，我回复：不容易啊，80后还是处女，好姑娘。

一会儿姑娘回复：我说的处女是指星座，你丫真土。

LOL!!

没我年轻, 没我好看

“今天出门，看见的女的百分之九十都没我年轻没我好看。”

 “你去的是养老院吧？”

LOL!!

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

LOL!!

怕肥

胖妞跟她的男朋友到麦当劳。
男朋友问：“你要吃什么？”
胖妞回答：“2个炸鸡和五个鸡肉汉堡和三个
鱼肉汉堡就够了。”
男朋友再问：“那要不要薯条？”
胖妞说：“不了，我怕肥！

LOL!!!! SWT

谁要输吗?

小明和小强在客厅看足球赛,边看边吃花生,小强赌了不少,小明就问小强..~

 小明:"你要输吗?"
小强:"我才不要输我下了很多."
小明:"我是问你要输吗?"
小强:"你不要避我揍你,一直要我输."
小明:"你的花生壳掉到满地都是.你不要拿书顶的话,你等下扫!"

LOL!!

You Can't Cheat Death

LOL!!! From 9gag.com

蝙蝠俠

電話鈴聲響起... "喂 ~ 我找蝙蝠俠 !"
"先生, 您電影還是漫畫看多了嗎 ? 哪來的蝙蝠俠 ?" "喔..對不起..."
一分鐘後, 鈴聲再度響起.. "Hello !? 蝙蝠俠在家嗎 ?"
"哇咧 ~ 你神經病啊 ? 我們這裡沒有蝙蝠俠啦 !" "喔喔...真是對不起喔 !"
兩分鐘後, 電話鈴又響了.. "喂 ! 我是蝙蝠俠, 剛剛有人找我嗎 ?" "O&%^&^%$^*%#amp;^%...."

LOL!!!

同行

一名男子至餐廳吃飯結帳時.覺得貴的離譜.拒付. 服務生只好請經理來解決.....
客人 :你們對同行不打折嗎?
經理 :先生也從事餐飲業嗎?
客人 :不! 我是土匪!

LOL!!

金庸與JK 羅琳

一個年紀比較大的人問一個年輕人：你有看過金庸小說嗎？

年輕人：沒有，只有看過電視劇。

大人：那你知道金庸寫的十四部小說的書名的第一個字，串起來會成為一首詩：「飛 雪連天射白鹿，笑書神俠倚碧鴛」嗎？

年輕人：不知道。但是我有看 JK 羅琳的小說， 她寫的七本小說的書名的第一個字串 起來是......

"哈哈哈哈哈哈哈!!"

LOL!!

Sucide

LOL!! From 9gag.com

希望之谷

有一天,三個探險家終於尋找到"希望之谷",傳說中,只要站在山谷邊,大喊心
中想要的東西然後往山谷中跳下去, 就會得到滿坑滿谷所想要的東西,於是 他們三個決定試看看
第一個是個色鬼,因此他大喊「女人!!女人!!」,往下一跳果真有滿坑滿谷的 美女正等著他....
第二個是個書呆子,喊了「書書書書書!!!!....」以後,跳到山谷裡也得到滿坑 滿谷的書....
第三個是個優柔寡斷的人,左思右想總是無法決定自己的最愛, 過了一個小時以後, 他終於下定決心, 覺得還是鈔票最有用了, 於是他走向山谷邊, 結果 踢到了一顆石頭, 他罵了一聲「shit!!....」,
一個重心不穩就跌下山谷去了....

LOL!!

吸個不停

阿貴牽著他的母牛和新生的小牛，準備拿到市場上去賣，不幸在路上被一群強盜洗劫，強盜打了阿貴一頓后，不僅脫光了他的衣服，還把他綁在一棵樹上，還把母牛也帶走，只留下那只小牛。

可憐的阿貴，就這樣被綁在樹上站了三天三夜，又冷又餓。幸好第四天一名中年婦人路過，幫阿貴松了綁，只見阿貴一得自由之后，馬上撿起地上的木棍拼命捧那只小牛。

中年婦人便罵阿貴說：“你干什么啊？虐待它啊？”阿貴說：“這三天來，我不斷跟這頭該死的畜生說，我不是你媽媽，我不是你媽媽……它還是吸個不停！！”

LOL!!

10元1分

考试结束的铃声响起，老师开始收卷，
其中一个学生神情慌张地在考卷下塞了1000元，外加一张纸条，上面写着“10元1分”。
学生很得意地对老师比了个手势“ok”老师也对学生比了个“ok”。
到了下一次上课，老师终于发考卷了，这学生心想：这次考试一定是100分啦。
没想到老师给了他一张59分的考卷和410元。

LOL!!

快脱掉我的衣服

有一个女孩，长得如花似玉。因为家庭因素，不得不跟她单身的小叔住在一起。平常他们表面上都会装得很正常。
有一天，那女孩终于忍不住了，把小叔叫到她房间去说：“小叔……我再也受不了了……我现在命令你把我的外套脱掉。
"小叔默默的照做了。她深吸了一口气，说：“现在……再脱掉我的上衣。”小叔仍然照做。
那女孩还红着脸又说“我的胸罩也脱下……”小叔犹豫了一会，但还是做了。
“接着……是我的内裤。”女孩说。小叔也慢慢的脱了下来。
那女孩叹了口气，接着对小叔说：“……好了……小叔！从现在开始，我不准你再穿我的衣服了，听到没？”

LOL!!

找钱

考试结束的铃声响起，老师开始收卷，
其中一个学生神情慌张地在考卷下塞了1000元，外加一张纸条，上面写着“10元1分”。
学生很得意地对老师比了个手势“ok”老师也对学生比了个“ok”。
到了下一次上课，老师终于发考卷了，这学生心想：这次考试一定是100分啦。
没想到老师给了他一张59分的考卷和410元。

LOL!!

Difference From Women And Men

LOL!! From 9gag.com

逛商店

老爸的最大嗜好就是逛商店。

我問他："世界上最有趣的事情是什麼?"

老爸答："逛商店！"

"世界上最痛苦的事情是什麼？"

"沒有錢逛商店！"

"世界上最快樂的事情是什麼？"

"有錢逛商店，但我就是不買！"

LOL!!

解决生理需要

戰爭時一位上尉調到前線擔任連長的職位，
到任時他問傳令︰
"這沙漠部隊中沒有女人，你們是如何解決基本的需求呢？"
傳令指著綁在帳棚外的駱駝說︰"都是靠它阿！"

...連長滿臉疑惑的說︰"都靠它？" 傳令點點頭。
連長感到不可思議。

過了一個多月，連長難耐生理的需求，
於是把傳令叫來說︰"把那駱駝牽到我房裡來！"
傳令奇怪的問︰"把駱駝牽到你房？"
連長回答︰"少囉唆，牽進來就是了。"

過了約３０分鐘，
連長疲憊地出來說︰"真難搞定！"
傳令不解地問︰"連長跟駱駝在房裡做什麼？"
連長說︰"當然是做那件事嘍！你們不是也一樣？"
傳令答說︰

"連長，我是說我們都靠這只駱駝載我們到城裡去找女人啊!"

LOL!!

放屁

有一天小明來到他未來的丈母娘家作客。
丈母娘：“你隨便坐坐，菜馬上就好！”
然后就進廚房忙了，
這時客廳里只剩下緊張的小明和丈母娘養的狗小白。

...突然間，小明發現自己的肚子劇痛了起來，
他想：不行！我一定要忍住！
可是他實在忍不住了，噗！他放了一個無敵臭的響屁，
他心想：這下死定了，一定會被趕出去的！
沒想到丈母娘只是大喊了一聲：“小白！”
小明于是放心的想：幸好有小白當我的替死鬼。

然后他又忍不住放了第2個屁，
丈母娘依舊大喊：“小白！”

當他放第3個屁時，
丈母娘大罵說：“小白！你是要等到被臭死才要跑是不是！！”..

LOL!!

吃午餐

某天食人族酋长坐飞机
空服员问：先生，请问午餐您想吃什么？牛排好吗？
酋长摇头

空服员：那中式餐盒好吗？
...酋长又摇头

问了几次之后，空服员：那请问您究竟想吃什么呢？？？

酋长想了一下，说：请拿旅客名单让我看看.........

LOL!!

Druex

LOL!! From: 9gag.com

淫魔

我刚刚在玩我朋友的手机,
吓,里面面有她跟她男友的甜密照,
妈啊，我瞎了…

我忽然看到她的通讯录中,有一个叫淫魔的。
...我：喂，谁是淫魔啊?
友：没有啦…手机还我啦…
我：我打给他哦。(我打出去了)
友：你快还我啦。
妈的,
我的手机就响了……

LOL!!

同性戀

阿明心情沉重的在喝酒…

服務生：心情不好嗎？說出來聽聽吧！
阿明：我是同性戀。

...服務生：那又怎樣？
阿明：我哥哥也是同性戀。
服務生：……
阿明：我弟弟也是同性戀。
服務生：……難道你家，沒人喜歡女人？

阿明：有！我妹妹…

LOL!!

Try This Next Time

A man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of bitches ! ." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

LOL!! USEFUL!!

我的孩子

男子在臨終前，身旁是淚眼汪汪的妻子和四個孩子
前三個孩子長得高大、英俊，
但老四是個瘦小的醜八怪
男子有氣無力的問：
親愛的妻子，你能向我保證，老四他真的是我的孩子嗎？
...死前我要知道真相，否則我死不瞑目，你老實告訴我，
我會原諒你的.....

妻子哭著說：親愛的，請你相信我
我以天父之名發誓，你絕對是他的父親！！

男子放心的死了......

妻子在胸口畫下十字，喃喃說著：
感謝上帝，他沒有問起前面那三個孩子.....

LOL!!

史上最大宗诈骗集团

卖报纸小贩喊著：
"号外！号外！！史上最大宗诈骗集团，一日内已有80人上当！"
"号外！号外！！史上最大宗诈骗集团，一日内已有80人上当！"

老王："来一份报纸吧！"
...小贩："先生，一份报纸1千元！"
老王："哇！不是才100元吗？"
小贩："今天不一样啊！史上最大宗诈骗集团，一日内已有80人上当！不可不小心！！"

老王给了1千元后

报纸小贩边走边喊著：
"号外！号外！！史上最大宗诈骗集团，一日内已有81人上当！"

LOL!!

眼角看见的白影

有一组摄影队的人，需要半夜去林里拍摄，当中有位摄影师特别胆小，就希望拍摄过程快点结束。。结束后，工作人员也把宵夜（饭）派给他们，摄影师其实也不愿呆在林里那么久，为了迁就其他的工作人员，就唯有
赶快把饭吃完。。摄影师吃得很快，吃到一半的时候，全身都发麻起鸡皮疙瘩了，发现左眼处有个白影站在那……他开始害怕了，问了其他的工作人员，他们也说没看见什么……他心里更害怕了……就直接乘车回家去……回家的途中，白影还是不断的跟着他。他心想怎么那么衰就偏偏选中他来跟。。回到家，那个白影还一直跟在他左边。他不理那么多了，希望冲个凉睡个觉天亮就会没事了。拿了浴巾，踏进厕所，对着镜子一照……他整个人都……………………镜子反射出来的画面…………尽是………………有有……



一粒…………饭粘再左眼角处………

..............LOL!!

Win The Lottery

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

LOL!! Everybody's situation xD

篮球比赛

一天，爸爸带孩子去看篮球比赛~
孩子：这粒篮球一定很贵~
爸爸：你又知道？
孩子：为什么他们要抢那粒篮球呢？一人带一粒篮球不就不需要抢了
嘛~
爸爸：................

LOL!!

知道不知道我是谁?

有一天～一位想订机票的客户很不满女服务员的态度，于是客户打电
话去给该
航空公司的总经理室抱怨 ~~~

……客户：总经理啊！你不知道你们的服务员态度很差内！
总经理：应该不会吧！
……客户：不然，你自己假装是客户，打电话去不就知道了。
果然，那服务员态度真的很差，所以总经理生气了。

总经理：你知不知道我是谁啊？你敢这样讲话？
服务员：我管你是谁啊！
总经理：公司大大小小的事都得归我管，我是妳的-- 总经理！
服务员：哦！你是总经理啊！那你知不知道我是谁～
总经理：不知道！
服务员：那就好！ ． ． ． ． (于是服务员赶紧把电话挂上了 )

LOL!!

Saudi Interview

A Saudi was being interviewed at the US embassy to obtain a Visa.

Consul: "May I have your name please?"
Saudi: "Abdul-Aziz."
Consul:" Sex? "
Saudi:" 6 times a week."
Consul:" No, I mean male or female."
Saudi: "Both male and female, sometimes even camel."
Consul: " Holy cow!!!"
Saudi: "Yes, cows & dogs too."
Consul: "Man, isn't that hostile?"
Saudi: "Horse style, dog style, any style!"
Consul: " Oh dear!!"
Saudi: " Deer? No deer, they run too fast!!"

LOL!!!

看到过吗?

一群学生在讨论世上有没有鬼。

这时老师便问：你们看到过鬼吗？

学生：没有。

老师：那就代表没有鬼嘛！

学生：…………………

学生：老师，你看得到你自己的脑吗？

老师：看不到

学生：那就证明你没有脑咯!!

LOL!!

有痔疮吗?

一外科医生到KFC吃早餐，排队点吃的东东时，发现吧台里的服务员总是下意识地摸摸屁股，便关心的问：“有痔疮吗？”
服务员很委婉地小声说：“先生！请您按单子里的点好吗？”

LOL!!

老鼠的对话

今年高考作文，某个省的作文题如下：“请描述两只老鼠在麦田里的对话，最少800字。” 还有个题目：请你以一只田鼠的身份，警告人类，让人类认识到保护环境的重要性。

有个学生是这样写的：

“吱吱吱，吱吱吱，吱吱吱吱吱？”

“吱！吱吱吱……吱吱吱吱，吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱。”

“吱！吱！吱！吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱！”

“吱吱吱？吱吱吱吱吱？吱吱吱吱，吱吱吱。”

“吱！吱吱吱……吱吱吱吱，吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱。”

“吱吱吱，吱吱吱，吱吱吱。”

“……吱！！！！！”

“吱吱吱，吱吱吱，吱吱吱吱吱”

“吱吱吱？吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱，吱吱。”

“吱！吱吱吱……吱吱吱，吱吱吱吱吱吱。”

LOL!!

Language Barrier

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel
guest and room-service in China ......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh.... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan
sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish
moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin,
we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

If you understand, you are have really good "English" LOL!!

How To Handle A Rude Customer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

LOL!!!

脱袜子

有一天，一家失火了，爸爸妈妈都逃出来了，只剩下一个儿子还在里面。

妈妈很紧张的在屋外大喊："儿子.....你在干吗......都失火了还不出来......"

儿子回答："我在穿袜子阿....."

妈妈又说，"都失火了还穿什么袜子...."

过了五分钟，儿子还没出来......

妈妈又紧张的喊，"儿子，你到底在干什么？快出来~都失火了，还待在里面....."

儿子说，"我在脱袜子阿........."

..........LOL!!!!

相親记

女：「你有三室一廳嗎？」
男：「沒有。」
女：「你有本田嗎？」
男：「沒有。」
女（站起）：「我有點事，先走了。」
男（喃喃自語)：「俺有獨棟別墅，為啥要住小公寓？」
女（僵住）……
男（自語）：「俺開著賓士，難道要換成日本車？」
女回眸一笑，相親繼續。
男：「我創業把別墅、車子全抵押了，現在一點現金都沒有了。」
女（大怒）：「我有好多事，先走了。」
男：「還好後來拿到日本的天使基金，公司上市了。」
女轉身坐下相親繼續。
男：「不過IT行業風起雲湧，股票跌破發行價，快要停盤了。」
女一聲不吭，站起身。
男：「幸好被微軟收購，有了幾億現金，可以支持我二次創業。」
女（轉身媚笑）：「你好壞啊，老是逗人家。」
這時，兩個穿白大褂的醫生進來，氣喘吁吁：「你小子又從醫院跑出來，趕快回去吃藥！」

LOL!!

假如男人也来 月经 的话

1. 当老婆充满欲望的在床上要求时，男人可以羞答答地说：
“老婆，今天不行的！我大姨丈来了.. ..”

2. 球队在参加重要比赛的时候，除了要调整时差，还要调整男队员的例假期。
足球报道会出现：各位观众朋友，现在曼联队阵容不整，
除了几个主力队员受伤之外，前锋鲁尼也因为经痛临时退出了比赛..

3. 电视上会出现以下剧情场景：一个恶狠狠的男人面对一个惊慌失措的女人，
恶狠狠地说：“要不是老子这几天来那个，非日了你这个！

4. 当夫妻两个一起来月经时，都不能沾凉水，都不能做家务，于是一连七天吃方便面..

5. 一个男人忧心重重地找到医生，说：“大夫，我已经两个月没来了！您看是怎么回事？”
医生：嗯..
仔细检查了一下，
医生说：“你的前列腺可能被堵了.. ”

6. 一个小男孩下半身全是血，哭哭啼啼地回家，妈妈和蔼的告诉他，
第一次来月经时应该注意的事项，并鼓励他，说他已经是一名真正的男子汉了！

7. 朋友问他：“你女朋友第一次和你上床时，是处女吗？”
该男不好意思地回答：“不太清楚，我们第一次时，刚好我来那个.. ..”

LOL!!!

下次妳一定要來

劉小姐走在街上遇到熟人便上前打招呼。
劉小姐："妳不是陳小姐嗎？好久不見。"
陳小姐："我下個月要結婚了。"
劉小姐："真的嗎？恭喜妳！"
陳小姐："妳要不要來參加我的婚禮。"
劉小姐："不好意思我下個月要出國。"
陳小姐："真遺憾！下次妳一定要來喔！"

LOL!!

做過好事

法官對一個慣犯說：「想想看，除了壞事外，
你一生中有沒有做過一件好事？」
慣犯：「有！我使法官您和警察們不至於失業。」

LOL!!

卖喇叭与买裤头

某个卖枪的因镇上治安太好而卖不出枪。终于他又兼卖另一样东西——喇叭！　
一天，某人买了个喇叭结果第二天就有三、四个人来买枪。
后来他又卖出喇叭，第二天又有人来买枪。　
基于好奇心的驱使下，他问其中一位买枪的客人为什么买枪。
客人说：“我家对面那个昨天吹了一天的喇叭，我全家都快受不了了！所以，我才来买枪。”　

LOL!!

Denise

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain.

Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.

"Doctor!" She asks "What happened to the children?"

"Don't worry madam." He replied, "The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them."

"Oh no! My brother is an idiot" She cried. "What did he name them?"

"Well your daughter's name is Denise" The doctor informed her.

The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"

"Denephew" The doctor replied.

LOL!!!

妈都要死

老霍夫妇俩好不轻易待孩子都睡着了，便尽情欢悦起来，由于太愉快了，妻子忍不住呻吟着：“我要死了…”
这种希罕的声音，惊醒了孩子们，但夫妻俩并未觉察。兄弟俩不禁轻轻地爬起来看个毕竟，哥哥略懂人事，见了情况便私自窃笑，却被父母发明，母亲恼羞成怒，扬手打了他一掌，弟弟在一旁对哥哥说：“活该，妈都要死了，你还笑！”

LOL!!

發財

老王在樹下休息，老李走過來對他說︰“嗨，為什麼不去上山砍柴？”
老王說︰“砍柴干什麼？”
老李說︰“好賣錢啊。賣到錢就可以買驢，再沿家挨戶賣柴。掙了錢就再買卡車，然後買木廠賣木器，再買更多的卡車，那樣就可以發大財了。
老王問︰“發了財干什麼？”老李答︰“發了財就可以逍遙自在地享清福嘛。
老王說︰“那你以為我現下在干什麼？

LOL!!

恐怖大会

爸爸：“姐姐为何哭得如此伤心？”

小妹：“她获得恐怖大会的装扮比赛第一名！”
爸爸：“那应该值得高兴才对呀！”
小妹：“但是姐姐她什么都没有装扮啊！”
爸爸：“…………”

LOL!!

變聰明的藥方

有位婦女覺得自己太笨，所以找大夫希望能得到什麼變聰明的藥，醫生收了她5000元之後把藥給了她。三個星期之後，婦女回來說藥沒有用，那位大夫馬上把藥劑量加倍。

一個月後，婦女回來對醫生說：「大夫，我總覺得自己被騙了，你的藥根本沒效！」大夫：「哈！現在你終於變聰明了！！」

LOL!!